Buying a Dog

So you think that you want to buy a dog? You have heard about the positive health benefits of having a canine by your side and want to live healthfully. Maybe the stress of it all is just too much and having a playful barker by your side will lower your blood pressure. Perhaps you're a bird hunter and an extra "four hands" might help in retrieving that shot down Ring Necked pheasant. It could just be that you're tired of that arrogantly pompous feline strutting around your home thinking she's Gods gift to humanity and doesn't care whether or not you have to replace one more couch due to the needless starching. Whatever the reasons, there are a few facts that that you should consider and probably will not find on sites such as PetSmart or AKC.

Size, yes size needs to be a consideration. Not the size of the dog although responsible ownership will consider the size of the dog in conjunction with the size of their living quarters. A Boarder Collie will not be happy cramped up in some New York apartment. What matters is the size of the PILE in direct relation to the size of the dog and the type of food given to given to the animal. Of course a toy dog with leave bite size tootsie rolls around for you to pick up. Will you ever be able to eat the candy again is a real consideration. And a Saint Bernard, Scottish Deerhound, or Great Dane will leave mounds steaming for days on end. Can you use a Backhoe in your clean up? Depending on the type of food you give your friend will determine if your picking up after him once a day or several times a day. A good lively feed will be made out of 70 to 90% lamp or beef and will offer your dog a regular once a day bowl movement as if they were on a steady diet of fiber just like the doctor told you you needed. But a generic brand of feed will be more bits and pieces mixed together with horse parts than McDonald's used to put into their McNugguts. Plus you'll be going through pooper scoopers like no tomorrow.

How much embarrassment you can stomach also needs to be considered because your dog will embarrass you. If your sitting on the couch curled up to your loved one watching The Notebook hoping to score a little nookie, nothing gets you quit in the mood more than your dogs most basic instinct. Perhaps it too senses the air of attraction and just as you move your leg to stretch out, the canine pounces and starts to hump away. Yes, HUMP. Your dog, be it female or male, will someday act in a manner befitting the highest paid prono stars. It will rhythmically attack not only you leg, but a thrown down pillow, another attractive pouch while walking in the park, or even a nephew or nice coming to visit for the first time in ages. Can you stomach it? Now if that’s the thing you do to entertain guests by all means let the dog have its fun. It’s nothing but the dog in it!!!

Last but not least is the type of dog you will want to think about. They can be classified into many different groups, such as working, sporting, or herding, to name a few, but really there are but two types of dogs that must be considered. This may very well be the determining factor when you go to purchase that devoted and loyal animal friend. I suggest that all dogs can be SEEN as “asshole, slight asshole, or nonasshole”. What can you stand to see when your energetic pet takes you for a walk? Do you want the whole kit and caboodle to be staring you down like some dirty pink and brown eye? Some yogis talk about man’s third eye. Well there is no questioning the existence of some dog’s third eye because the cute little pucker will be eyeing you like an incontinent lactose intolerant 6 month old baby. It’ll be like a car reek. You will not be able to keep your eye off of it. This is the full-on asshole dog like the Akita, Samoyed, or Pomeranian. Can you stand the sight? Some dogs like the Spaniels and Labradors will show off their assholes when excited while wagging their tales. These are the slight assholes. Good when you can live with the less than full look of the rear. Than there are the dogs that through evolutionary bum consideration have covered up their anus’ either with a long coat of hair or a fully hanging tail designed to hide the intestines exit. Belgian Malinoiss, Setters, and Komondors are great dogs for the camouflaging their hineys.

Just remember when considering what dog is right for you, think about the poop-scoop size factor, the canine’s need to spread its seed, and the asshole factor. Taken together and weighed with much deliberation you should be able to find the perfect animal companion.