old vs. new

The other day at dinner I mentioned that the Mt. Olive pickles stationed at the table must be old pickles. "What are those," and "how do you know", were the obvious questions. Honestly, I had to think about it because experience simply wasn’t good enough (my experience not satisfying the experience hungry at the table).

There are many different types of pickles, dilled, sweet, and bread and butter, fruits even, relish not to be forgotten, and some of the trendier and modern incantations incorporate zippy spicing, but a few essential factors must be highlighted.

1. Lactobaccili a bacterium must be allowed to fester = fermentation
2. Salt. Not just any salt. Non-iodized salt. Why? The above bacterium may die off. Salt also helps in the preventing non-helpful microbes forming
3. Cooked vs. fermented cooked are really cooked in a warm, hot even prefab viniger solution. Fermented are dosed in a nice brine upwards of 2 months depending on the maker.

Of course, if your from NYC you must specify sour or half sour, but I digress. Any reputable delicatessen with ask you if you want an old or new pickle. It is from my many sandwich excursions at a vast number of delis that I draw experience and was thus able to answer the questions. The above science didn't seem to impress anyone. OLD pickles are limper, less crunchy. They have a deeper translucence about their coloration making the green dull and muddied and the yellow appear to be part of some middle Michigan bog. New Dills take on a trophy like apperance in holding onto the perfect prepickled facade. Cucumbers must meet strict guidelines before being selected to participate in the divine process of pickling.

Pickle Divinity

• 1st rule of thumb relates to size. Yes size makes a difference. The cucumber should be no longer than your hand is wide. As I have artsy hands and there are vast differences in hand girth, consider the average stout, pudgy thick membered male hand. Ever see the movie Vision Quest? As Carla and Louden head up to Louden’s Grandfather’s, Carla comments on Louden’s man-sized hands or something of the sort. This is the perfect visual in picking the perfectly sized cucumber (and many other things I’m sure).
• 2nd Look at the color of the vegetable. NO yellow fading is wanted. Emerald green sounds good but not just general color of an emerald. Look to the transcendental edges of the stone for a deep forest blush and you will have what might be the desired shade. I read on the internet that "nothing greens greener than emeralds" attributed to Pliny the Elder. This may be true in gemology but not in the garden of pickled perfection.
• 3rd is the distasteful mentioning of Warts. I am not referring to what the AAD defines. I point to the protuberances acknowledged imperfections elsewhere yet are the individual markings of Cucumis sativus' fruit. I have always thought this is a likening to DNA combinations. Wouldn't it be fun to statistically calculate the myriad possibilities related to how many warts a cuc. can have and where they are placed? Maybe not, but the point is that a right proper cucumber must have a far number of warts that add to the tactile expression of a future pickle.

All Praise and Glory to the originators of the PICKLE!!! Continued honor to the all garlic laden, plastic barreled chefs delighting the pickled fancies of our palate. My every grateful stomach bows to the orators of “Old or New” pickle pushers behind the counter of the best deli in the northern hemisphere.

I am no expert, so I implore all interested parties to survey the land of Pickledom. Frolic freely through the fields of hugely different makes and models offered at your local grocery mart and choose one or all as your favorite.

CHEERS!!!